(Dated November 8 2013)

I love my mom so much, but she’ll never really know it.

I’m 35 weeks into carrying my daughter inside my belly, and I can’t help but reflect on my own relationship with my mom over the years of my life.

I have always been so attached to my mom since I was a little girl. I have random images of me hiding behind her leg because it made me feel safe. I’d lay underneath her chair while she was sewing for hours on end just to be close to her. I’d play with her make up and wear her shoes because I admired her, and I wanted to be like her. But I gave her grief. I ruined her make up and shoes and really didn’t mean to. And I got beat for it. But I still loved her.

I wanted so desperately to be close to her like the mother-daughter relationships I’ve seen on TV. I wanted to share stories about my day, and gossip about my love life and seek advise from her. I wanted her to guide me. I wanted her to care. But I never quite had that type of relationship with my mom. Blame it on the Chinese cultural aspect of it?

All my life I craved that loving bond. I have that with my husband and I hope to have that soon with my daughter. I hope that she would want to be close to her mom just the way I did. Only, I’’ll make an effort to allow her to feel comfortable in being close to me. I will embrace her with all of my heart.

I can’t wait to meet her!