With my due date for Beau creeping in, I’ve been worrying about having another c-section. It was quite frightening the first time around, and I’m hoping that was because of the long labor I had before it. But I can’t shake the thought that there is a small possibility that something might go wrong, and I may not survive.

I never used to fear death. Before marriage and before kids that is. And now that I have both, I’m terrified of not being able to be there for them, to love them, and take care of them, and hold them, and kiss them.

It’s all selfish, really. I know that Chris will still continue to thrive in life. He is such an independent go-getter and wouldn’t let adversities get in the way of his success. And Naomi and Beau will be in goods hands because they will grow up to be amazing like their father. But I want to be there too. I want to witness Chris’s accomplishments and hear him talk about the next hair brain scheme. I want to be there to comfort my children and shower them with all the love I have in my heart (which is a lot). I want to be there to watch them grow into people with personality.  I want to be a part of their lives in the present and future.

Worst of all, I’m afraid that I will be forgotten and I  will become a faded distant memory that one may conjure up maybe once or twice a year.  Because life moves on and while I get that, I don’t like it. But it’s true, “Out of sight. Out of mind.”

Naomi is so young that she wont even remember that I loved her so damn much. That little girl is my most precious little gift. I look at her and I can’t believe that Chris and I created something so amazing. I am most certain Beau will be just as wonderful. But I need to be there to make sure of it .

Told you….selfiish.