In the past, whenever I spoke of my family, it automatically meant my brothers, and parents. Now when I speak of my family, it  means Chris and Naomi and Beau. And they are my life.  They have given me life and given me so much meaning and reasoning to my life. I live for them. They are my everything!

It’s like they’ve awoken the sleeping giant that was me before their existence. My life has changed for the better because of them and I am a better person because of them.

It’s 2am and I haven’t been able to sleep tonight. Thats why I’m having all kinds of thoughts running through my mind that don’t all connect but somehow I feel compelled to type it out. So here I am.

Last night after Chris woke up from his nightshift, we took Naomi to the LA Zoo Lights special along with my mom. Naomi loves the Christmas lights that are on a house on the strand and every time we walk by it as we take the dogs out, she gets excited about them. So the lights at the zoo was something I knew she would enjoy. I watched Chris carry her as he walked to each display showing her the lights and explaining what animal it lit up. He loves Naomi so much and it is so obvious. He is an amazing father to her. He’s amazing period. He works so hard and feels so guilty about it. Sometimes we fight about how I don’t understand that he has to work a lot, or that I make him feel bad. But I don’t think he gets it, I know he works a lot, and I am very understanding about it. Completely understanding about it, and if anything I feel guilty that he has to work so much. But honestly, I think his guilt of having to work so much gets to him, and he takes it out on me sometimes by blaming me for making him feel bad.

Truth is, he’d be working just as much if Naomi and I never existed. It’s just like him to be a workaholic. And I’m not even saying thats a bad thing or a good thing. It’s neither. It just is. I just wished there was  a way for me to be able to communicate that its okay to him. I do tell him that I don’t take him for granted and I know how hard he works for this family and I understand, blah blah blah…but I don’t think its enough and I’m not sure how else to convince him it’s totally okay and he doesn’t need to feel bad or guilty about it. He spends a great deal of time with us even when he does have to work. Like I said before, he is superman.

On different note, I look at Naomi and I am so in love with this little girl. She is so amazingly sweet with her kisses and hugs and I am completely embracing every second of this because I know that one day, she won’t want to love on me and shower me with kisses and hugs and damn, that makes me so sad. I want her to stay this little girl forever because she melts my heart and shows me love every day. And she does the cutest things. She smiles really big with her eyes close and crinkles her nose and you see this big smile showcasing her four big front teeth. Even her little voice is cute. “up” and ” elp” (help) “dat”. And its just amazing how much she understands when you speak to her. She’ll nod her head for “yes” and shake her head or whine for “no”.

Sigh. I don’t know what it is and why I’m feeling so sentimental. Maybe its the guilt that I feel because she won’t be my only baby much longer. She’s going to need me and I won’t be able to tend to her as well as I can now.

😦 I’m hormonal. I hate this. I cry at everything and it’s embarrassing when I get teary in public or in front of my family because they’ll just assume something is wrong, and there really is nothing wrong. Just a pregnant girl getting sad even while watching cartoons.

Beau is nonstop in my belly. His kicks and jabs are way stronger than Naomi’s were. He is constantly moving around in there that it exhausts my belly and quite frankly it’s kinda irritating after some time. I feel like I can’t get any relief.  I think I’d be a lot more comfortable if he were out already and I can hold him. 4 more weeks left before I meet Beau and I’m excited. The last few weeks are flying by. Well I guess it could happen at any moment now, but my scheduled c section is not for another 4 weeks. I wonder if he might surprise us earlier.